Today on Ricki
by PercyWood
Summary: Dark secrets are revealed when Harry appears on the Ricki Lake Show.


Today on Ricki...  
  
Announcer: Welcome to the Ricki Lake Show! Lily Potter, the mother of the legendary wizard, Harry Potter, has a shocking secret to share with her son on tonight's episode. Here she is now...Lily Potter!  
  
*Crookshanks walks on stage and sits in the chair.*  
  
Ricki: Perhaps we should begin with a brief explanation of how you came to be this way Lily.  
  
Crookshanks: Yes, I am Lily Potter and I am in the form of this cat to secretly help my son vanquish Lord Voldemort.  
  
Ricki: That's very interesting. There are far more interesting things to reveal today though. Now we will bring out your son who has been sitting in the back room unable to hear anything we have said. Harry believes that he is here to get a masculine makeover.  
  
*Harry walks on stage and sits next to the cat.*  
  
Ricki: Welcome Harry. It is a pleasure to have you here today. Are you looking forward to your makeover?  
  
Harry: Sure, I think I could use a more masculine image at school. The other day Percy propositioned me, so it couldn't hurt.  
  
Ricki: Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you Harry but you are actually here today to have a dark family secret revealed.  
  
Harry: Jesus H Christ! Not another family secret! How many can there be?!?  
  
Ricki: First we have to introduce someone to you. Harry, though you don't know it, the cat sitting to your left is your mother, Lily.  
  
Harry: You have got to be shitting me!  
  
Crookshanks: Think about it Harry! How else did I know that Scabbers was evil? Look at my eyes Harry, they're the same green that yours are.  
  
Harry: But I always thought Crookshanks was a boy...  
  
Ricki: Moving on! Lily why don't you tell Harry what he is here for.  
  
Crookshanks/Lily: See Harry the thing is....well...when I was in my glory days...  
  
Ricki: You mean back when you were human?  
  
Crookshanks/Lily: Yeah, basically. Anyway...I was a very...uh....experimental young woman.  
  
Harry: You had loose morals?  
  
Crookshanks/Lily: Yeah, basically. So see, the man that you believe is your father might in fact not be...your father.  
  
Harry: But, I look just like dad!  
  
Ricki: Moving on! Go ahead Lily.  
  
Crookshanks/Lily: So Harry, there is actually some question as to who exactly is your father.  
  
Ricki: But have no fear young Harry, we are here today with DNA tests to solve this great mystery.  
  
Harry: Oh, Jesus H Christ!  
  
Ricki: First potential candidate is none other than your Potions Master, Severus Snape!  
  
Harry: Oh god, not him!  
  
*Snape walks out on stage.*  
  
Ricki: So Snape, how do you feel about potentially being the father of Harry?  
  
Snape: Well, it was quite a while ago with me and Lily. We were both pretty drunk. We were at the Hufflepuff nightly kegger and she was wearing this sexy little black dress that hung low so her beautiful cleavage blossomed about her...  
  
Harry: SHUT UP! Christ! I don't need to hear this shit!  
  
Ricki: Now our next potential father...Sirius Black.  
  
Harry: But, Sirius is dead!  
  
*Sirius, as a ghost, floats onto stage.*  
  
Harry: Now how the hell is he a ghost? But I thought to be a ghost you had to...  
  
Ricki: Moving on! How do you feel about potentially being Harry's father?  
  
Sirius: Well, when James first came to me with the idea of a threesome I was a little disturbed but then I saw Lily standing in the moonlight wearing this thin little gown where I could see every curve of her beautiful body and the dark outlines of her sweet...  
  
Harry: Oh JESUS! What the hell is wrong with you people?  
  
Ricki: Next candidate. Come on stage!  
  
*Lord Voldemort slowly walks on stage and sits down next to Sirius.*  
  
*Harry pulls out his wand.*  
  
Ricki: Relax Harry. This might be your father. How do you feel about that Lord Voldemort?  
  
Voldemort: Well I am feeling a strange kinship to Darth Vadar right now. Isn't the resemblance eerie?  
  
Harry: Aren't you going to talk nasty about my mother and how you saw her naked or half naked or blossoming in the moonlight?  
  
Voldemort: What a dirty mind you have Harry! You shouldn't think of your mother like that.  
  
Harry: You shouldn't have killed her and my father...well he may be my father. Why isn't James Potter here?  
  
Ricki: Now Harry, I know this is hard for you but James Potter is dead.  
  
Harry: So are my mother and Sirius!  
  
Ricki: Moving on! Next candidate please.  
  
Harry: Shit mom! How much of a slut were you?  
  
*Professor McGonagall walks on stage.*  
  
Harry: Ok, now that's not even possible!  
  
McGonagall: Well Harry, I saw your mother in my class one day. She was wearing this tight little shirt that made her soft breasts...  
  
Harry: Why can't I just die!?!  
  
Ricki: And last but not least...  
  
*Ricki pulls a salad fork out of her pocket and sits it in a chair.*  
  
Crookshanks/Lily: I had almost forgotten about you. We had some good times didn't we?  
  
Ricki: Stay tuned after our commercial break for the shocking conclusion.  
  
Audience: Take the test! Take the test!  
  
*5 minutes and 6 commercials later. *  
  
Ricki: All of our candidates have taken the test and we have the results. Are you excited Mr. Potter?  
  
Harry: Why me?  
  
*Voldemort stands up next to Harry and holds out his hand.*  
  
Voldemort: Harry, I am your father!  
  
Harry: NOOOOOO!  
  
*Voldemort proceeds to pull out his light saber and cut off Harry's hand.* 


End file.
